Today I felt like kickin’ up my heels, and feeding my readers some dirt and dust. Unlike most of my autobiographical tales, this buckin’ story was originally written for a northern California “Stebbins Canyon” full moon walk and story telling junket with my friends.
Horsin’ Around – A Full Moon Story
(I dedicate this to my wife, who has a lot to say)
I was ridin’ a talkin’ horse, kinda figurin’ it was a dream, until I noticed I was gettin’ hoarser and hoarser and could hardly speak.
The horse was sayin’ “I’ve got you now and I’ll take you wherever I want! It’s pay back time `cause you beat me in a former life!”
“Horse shit!” I hoarsely mumbled, “If I beat you once, I can do it again. That’s the universal law of immutability!”
Then I started beatin’ the horse ’til it just fell apart – like a piñata! Was I dreamin’?
No such luck! My wife was there too, naggin’ away.
What’s a fellow to do? I was fed up. Strangle her, of course! I put on a pair of horsehide gloves. No fingerprints on that throat!
You know… it satisfied me at the time, but it wasn’t all that great – since I can’t cook.
I looked up. “Lord, give me somethin’ back!”
So that crazy horse shows up and whispers in my ear.
“Not to worry, my friend, I’ll feed you!” “No thanks!” I said. “I don’t eat horse meat!”
Now that made the horse mad! She kicked up her hind legs and the dust flew and all hell busted loose. Nearby, an almond tree burst into bloom. So gorgeous and with maybe a million blossoms. Then and there I decide to go into the almond business.
Before I can finish my plans, the almond tree jumps on my horse and they ride away, severely testing my theory of immutability.
What to do? Well, if I want to stay in the almond business, it’s catch the horse.
That’s how I ended up hoofin’ it to the alter.
When the minister said, “Do you take this nag to be your lawfully wedded wife?”
I said, “Yes!” So beautiful she was, decked out in all those blossoms.
And, I thought, profitable, too.
And that’s the end of my story, how I substituted one nag for another.